Hidden Acorns

Waiting Over (?)

May 6th, 2024

Through another day, another experience for sure. New but familiar at the same time. The passion from the many folks at the venue was incredible, some waiting 14 hours for this two hour experience. The experience itself was a good one; it was the waiting that was the painful part. Won’t deny that, but I will also agree that it is part of the experience in itself. Often, waiting is part of the process, and it is a necessary evil in the events that we hold in high regard. If these events did not have any waiting, I suppose the appeal wouldn’t be as high.

In the end, I will say it is an experience to remember, and I am happy to have shared it despite the painful waiting. At least I can say I did the “full experience” now. Time will tell if I endeavor to repeat the adventure, still too early to tell. Maybe we modify it just a bit next time. In any event, I may not have found a full acorn today, but I found at least a trail to follow to new places. I am back to my regularly scheduled waiting, but for entirely different circumstances. Those still scare me, and I will address them more tomorrow. I’ve learned many things today, and hope to carry them forward with me.

-LostAcorns
Waiting

May 5th, 2024

Another day, another waiting period. No choice but to wait; nothing to gain by trying to hurry along. Everything is waiting, but it is what it is. Here’s hoping it is worth it.

Doesn’t matter where, what, how, or when; everything remains in some form of repetition, and I’m along for the ride. Just wish I didn’t feel like I’m stuck on the Tyme Musheen from Idiocracy. Good moments come and go, never long enough, it seems; but they happen. Constantly hoping for the next good few hours, fun moment, or being left well alone. Mind on a hampster wheel, and I’m just waiting for the legs to give out to start again the next day. The only thing to do is grin and bear it until the next good time. Filling my time with mindless fidgeting and retreating into the deafening silence that is my solace has once again become a norm. Not enough “hang in there” kitten motivation posters in the sterile walls that inhabit my mind.

Endless hallways of just another same old day, with splashes of “this is different and good.” I stumble into these unaware and content enough they exist at all. This day should be good for a stretch, despite the seemingly unending lines. Doesn’t matter either way, I’m used to it all, keep on keeping on. Surrounded by a population of seemingly happy people reminds me that I’m still here trying my best; even though I feel like I’m once again putting on another false mask. Truth be told, my current “Leave me the hell alone face” is about all want at the moment. And I seem to be getting just that for the time being.

I do everything I can to avoid making my mood bleed into others and prob doing a terrible job of it. Guess that’s just par for the course. I suppose I need to start taking things in shorter spans, but today was guaranteed to be a big waiting period. Just hoping it’s enjoyable when it finally kicks off in another few hours. Till then, I can’t make the sands of time move any faster. So I’ll watch em drop on down the hourglass. I have hope, and I’m sure it’ll be great. That’s what is moving me forward in the shuffling line, at least.

Another 1/2 hour down. Let’s keep the train moving towards another acorn, that little treat of time where I can hopefully be free for a short while from just watching time pass by, knowing full well every second I waste is just one I’m going to look back on as a missed opportunity to actually make something of myself. It is needed to just do nothing sometimes, so I’ll let today be that day and not let it set me back. Here goes nothing.

-LostAcorns
The Experiment

April 26th, 2024

We’ve all seen the funny videos of when the squirrel eats a fermented fruit and gets instantly hammered. This is an experimental take on that. Last week (yes, while indulging in some beverages), I came up with an idea with a friend. No drinking for 1 week. Truth be told, I didn’t think I’d make it. This isn’t a “road to sobriety” story, nor is it heralding a “look at me” moment. Just observations about my personal experiment to see what I noticed and what I felt.

Day 1: Work was work, nothing too off the wall, nothing major really happened out of the ordinary. But about halfway through the day, the first thought came to mind, “I can’t wait to have a beer after work and decompress from today.” Noticing my crutch was a pretty obvious sign. This was made worse in that it was my weekend for the saturday shift. Another “I really want a drink to relax before this next shift” moment. Queue the dinging bell, that is: “You have a crutch.” As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t fail my own experiment less than 24 hours in. I wouldn’t let myself do that. Unsurprisingly, I didn’t sleep all that much or that well this night.

Day 2: Early Sat wake up, busted sleep and zero motivation other than a personal need to excel in what I know I can despite any adversity. I tend to make myself prove everything and everyone wrong, including myself; based on the signs I saw on day 1. My mind changed from “just enjoy your beverages and relax” to “YOU say you need this, but do YOU?” I made it through that shift, still a little out of it, still tired, still tempting myself with every opening of the ‘fridge, passing by the house bar, and noticing the extra case of beverages in the garage while taking the dog out. But headstrong as ever, I didn’t relent and made it through.

Day 3: Sunday, nothing scheduled, nothing planned. Should be easy, right? Have you heard about how smokers tend to snack or have toothpicks or something that mimics the behavior they are used to? I guess I had a similar experience. I noticed I got “fidgety” and couldn’t stay still. I could sit and have my mind occupied (phone, tv, book, computer, etc.), but I was either hungry all the time or was constantly drinking something. Water, gatorade, tea, anything just to keep moving in some facet. This turned to a need to be productive, keep my mind off the realization; or just keep moving. Which of these I am not sure, but basically got 80% of the house cleaned. I suppose that is a bonus of whatever anxiety I’m trying to suppress. Still staying strong. Yet another night of not great sleep.

Day 4: Early wake up to go to the office. I feel sore, all over. I figure it is a byproduct of the house cleaning I did, but I can’t shake the feeling that it shouldn’t be this noticeable. Either way, make it through the day relatively uneventfully, at least had work to keep me moving and focused. Thankfully, there is no headache; and I get through the day. Manage to ignore any further temptation that night and fall asleep for a few hours. Progress is progress. I chalk the day up as a win and carry on.

Day 5: Sleep was better than the previous few days; but not a great quantity of it. Either way, another office day before an even longer night tracking the team. Uneventful work day, followed by what I can only describe as a painful mental test. I’m now fighting a headache and have a distinct lack of motivation for much of anything. One of those alone throws my mood off, but both? I didn’t even feel like me. I felt like I was watching things go by; and all I wanted to do was be anywhere but there. I played lackluster but won, so that’s cool. I am frustrated with myself for being unable to enjoy what is normally my greatest hobby and passion. Knowing full well that I phoned it in and just went through motions, I mentally beat myself up. I survived another day and am very thankful for that. Another night of pretty awful sleep, I hadn’t given in and didn’t plan on doing so. Another victory day.

Day 6: Another day of work ahead; research to be done and ideas to get through. Manage well enough. A new level reached in that I was able to go to the bar last night and stay strong with the no drinking. With this experience in hand, I make it through the evening fairly easily. It’s become easier and easier not to even notice the beer in the fridge or the bar outside the kitchen. Still nagging soreness and headache phantom pains, but I stay strong. I end up sleeping a few hours after work due to the lack of good sleep catching up to me. I wake up roughly dinner time, out of it, but slowing coming around to realize that I’m hungry again. Make some food, eat, and basically start crashing as soon as I take care of the dishes and sit back down. Realizing I’ve made it this far and haven’t really had the urge to crack a beer or have a whiskey, I’m pretty happy with my state of mind, despite the body pain. I let that carry me off to meet the wizard for the night.

Day 7: I wake up more tired than I had been in the last week. Just as if not more sore than the previous few days. What a joy that makes the morning. Thankfully, my prescription got refilled; so I have the motivation to leave the house. Taking some time for my mental well-being, I hit the bookstores after Rx pickup. A few books later, I’m back home waiting for the evenings matches. Home stretch now, so it seems. Can’t shake this tense feeling in my muscles, but I am surviving. Manage to squeak out another win, much less of the “going through the motions” feeling. Home at a reasonable hour for once, eat food, and collect my thoughts to type this out. I made it. 0000 Friday. Full 7 days, midnight Friday to the following Friday midnight. I have a celebratory whiskey and reflect on it all for myself and potentially help someone still reading.

Results:

1. I can do this and set my mind to something, nothing riding on it but my own pride for myself.

2. I can stay away from the crutch, and I can focus on the here and now without needing my senses dulled to cope.

3. It feels good to have a goal and accomplish it. Not to gain or win something, earned yes but no “reward” to speak of. I didn’t give myself a cookie, didn’t go overboard when that goal line hit, just taking solace in the fact I can survive, no drinking and reflecting on my progress as a person.

I take this as a new option of self-healing. Not sure when I will once again go for a week (or more) stretch and re-run this experiment but to have “done it once” I am sure I can do it again as long as I have the right mind set. I did get a little lost on the way, but after the fog cleared somewhat, I was able to get back to a happy center and recognize some trees. Maybe my own hidden acrons that I’m searching for have created some saplings in this area; and I can bed down for a while here in safety. Hopefully, I can make a fluffy bed like my pup does with all the blankets (even if he has around 6 beds in this house) and calmly return to my search for my acorns and keep the happy center I’m currently enjoying.

Thank you all for reading. It really does help to get these things off my chest. If this helps someone out there to keep moving forward, please keep tabs on these pages for more. I know I’m not the most consistent of authors (if I even qualify as that), but I do try to make what I do post mean something.

-LostAcorns
Chaos and a happy center

April 20th, 2024

     I will start off with an apology. More to myself than anyone else; but I consider myself a reader of this rather than a writer. I’m sorry for the lack of updates, lack of responses, and overall lack of attention. Again, mostly me.

      I treat this as my “scream into the void” blog, but my dedicated readers know this already. I write in such a way as to trick myself to write more. I digress. New folks, welcome in; continued readers thank you for your views.

     Let’s get to the meat of today (or, in this case, nearly 2 months), shall we? In the past few weeks (months), I’ve ridden highs and lows, uncertanty and distrust (of both my emotions and the acts of others), and sadly much physical pain. What I know to expect generally doesn’t bother me. The chronic pain eventually falls to the wayside, and I learn to deal. Yes, I mean this both mental and physical “chronic pain” descriptors.

     I’d describe myself as “structurally broken” in a sense that if I feel “good,” I assume something is wrong. I’ll gladly continue to run despite my physical pain because it means I’m alive and still moving forward. I tend to work on things held together with bubble-gum and a prayer, and I can’t help but believe that is how I treat my own body. At least in my personal life review, it is.

     At least to keep my current thoughts flowing, my body hurt. Head, arms, hands, legs, core. All of it hurt; but yet I carried(y) on. I entirely decide that my pain does not mean anything, just the end goal. That’s how I’ve coped for the better part of 2 decades. Goal based results, beginning middle, neither matter, only the end result. I reach the places I want to get to. Despite the physical toll. I don’t know if I trick myself into believing I can survive, I am trying subconsciously to tell myself I’m worth saving or if it’s legitimate self-preservation.

     I’m so tired of constant physical pain. I’m so very tired of it. This has dulled and become managable, though always in the back of my mind. Waiting for the next bit of time where something decides it wants to hurt. I suppose we just keep on trying. I’m stretching more, trying to be semi more active, and making effots to potentially get sleep. All in an effort for a better life.

      Sorry for the hard-cut; amongst all this body uncertainty, I’ve managed to land myself at a crossroads that I am hoping I made the right choices with. This could be the best thing to happen to me professionally. I will see what becomes of this chance when I am fully “in the thick” of that. Here’s hoping this change is in line with my optimism (in this case, it’s not sarcastic; scary, I know). I guess that’s a bit of progress when I have a hopeful outlook. Might have started to find my forrest again, despite being lost in my own head. If this mood continues I’ll be back on my good schedule to keep writing thoughts here. Gotta say it feels good to be typing away on something that is a personal project once again.

     Here goes nothing, a new adventure. With new trees, bushes, fauna, and personal outlook. I’m never going to forget my roots. I just might not remember where I put the momentos along the way to call me back home. To new challenges. To new ideas. To new acorns. Geronimo.

-LostAcorns
What do you do?

February 15th, 2024

What does one do when they’re lost? Guides would say “stay put” if you got lost in the wilderness; adults may instruct children to “find an adult” or maybe even “call home” (though this does require the knowledge and availability of a phone). What about being mentally lost? So many times, we think in the physical, but can’t fathom the non-physical. This is one of those times.

I guess in this case, mental lost-ness (it’s a technical term) for me demands “write” but writing is also “retreat to safety” for me. Odd juxatposition, at least it seems that way for me. I’m lost, so let me stay in one place, but “anonymously scream into a void that may listen to my cries.” I guess this gets me back on the scent of acorns leading me back home; or just puts me on the track to new ones, and I rediscover the old ones later. That seems to be this journey.

I’ll recap my last “mental hurdles” and try to make sense of em. Burn myself out to sickness, yet get praised for my output. Continue on as “normal” and get slightly better physically for a few days. Mentally fear I am not doing enough for the praise, start the burnout again. Get “well enough” to maintain and then get hit in the face with a possible way out. Here’s the thing, it’s a good way out. It’s basically what I’ve been working towards for a while. Come to terms with “burn yourself out to earn this chance” and cary on. Continue to burn myself out, become so unaware of my pain, I find new bruises and back into sickness.

So let’s make sense of some of this and relate it to why I’m even typing right now. My normal is burnout. My normal is “pedal to the floor” and “I’ll stop when I run out of gas.” It’s an unhealthy place to be both mentally and physically. But yet it’s comforting. To me, this means I can keep on trucking and overcome a physical weakness, at least for a while. I selfishly take pride in the fact that I can say: “I did this while feeling like garbage.” But yet, here I am, mentally lost, happy, scared, annoyed, and semi sad all at the same time. Re-watching old familiar tv shows, putting time into mundane tasks to avoid thinking about the scary things, happy to be in the situation, and hopeful it turns out well.

I guess that is the comfort. The reason that when we are sick, we remember the things that made us feel better. For some folks, tea, others, noodle soup, and still others, it was catching either The Price Is Right or Springer when their younger selves would have been in some school class. I suppose that’s exactly why this is the catharsis that it is. When I write, it all goes by as passing noise, I fully focus on the words in front of me, written or typed. I remember that through words, I’ve planted forests and homes for many squirrel-kin. The physical acorns may be lost to me, but I am oh so thankful to know they have served a purpose outside of my own.

I’m still ill, still in pain, still lost. Yet I am hopeful. I’ll use this as a starting point to finding myself once again. When I can find my heading, I’ll start that next leg of the journey. Where one trail goes left, I’ll machete the new path to the right. Time marches on. I won’t allow myself to get lost to the past. Thanks for your time. Mayhaps this lets you determine what your own “what do you do when you’re lost” and use it to your advantage.

-LostAcorns
Contemplating a Week

February 3rd, 2024

Where do I begin. I’ve driven myself to exhaustion, mental chaos, and somehow, a little bit of visibility. Things in life make some strange entry into growth. I’m presented with many options, and I am at a crossroads of what should I do with what comes after.

At this point, I’ve been in and out of exhaustion symptoms for roughly 2-3 weeks. But my mind is running at max capacity and outshining my body’s current capabilities. Example: My body is tired, sleepy, and sluggish. My brain says, “we have a list of 10 things to accomplish. You can quit when you are dead or until we are done.” I keep going, cleaning, thinking, working, organizing, planning. Literally, anything that makes me focus on anything aside from what my body could be telling me or what my mind won’t focus on, but replace. It’s a small dopamine rush of saying, “I got X done, now let’s get Y done so that tomorrow we don’t have to.” So for four+ days, I run at max capacity, maximum effort, and minimal rest.

Then we hit day five, and I think that I’ve done well, but then I am useless for two days. Can’t eat due to nausea; when I can, it’s soups and light meals, so no real calories to speak of, fatigue gets worse. Yet I wonder as I sit here knowing I should be resting and needing to get this off of my mind, so I think and type out my rants on these pages. Hopefully, for someone else to know that they are not alone. In terms of this writing, I’m in “Day 6” of the timeline. Marginally able to eat, still shaky and exhausted. My mind is telling me to keep moving, that idling leads to atrophy. “Don’t let the fatigue win” is all my mind keeps saying.

So here I sit, typing away looking at a mountain of tasks ahead of me almost more terrified of not doing at least a few things than I am of being basically homebound for another day. I am thankful; thankful for my support system, for those that are here with me and those that are around to make sure things are on the up and up even if they know I’m not well. Thank you for the conversations, the time to vent, mental health checks, and empathy.

I buried this particular acorn with a purpose this time. I want to know and remember where this is so I can find the new tree and call it home again. This support system and the fact that I appreciate it. It’s a baby step to pulling down the wall I’ve built up, thereby creating my own mental prison. Small steps, hopefully for a better future. I’m hopeful that I’m one step closer to finding my forest of hidden acorns. Wishing all the best to those also in struggles, may our wanderings cross and join paths towards a better life. Reading this may be the step we all need.

-Lost Acorns
“Spark Joy”

January 22nd, 2024

I’ve been thinking a whole lot more about what keeps me going. The cleaning lady mantra that says “only keep things that ‘Spark Joy’ and remove those that do not” Kondo, I believe her name was. I have been thinking about the mental clean-up I have to do in that sense. This is going to be the hiding of new acorns for this entry.

Where do Good Thoughts begin and Bad Thoughts start overshadowing? What keeps those thoughts mutually exclusive? Why can’t we have both? A “maybe” or “sometimes” thought, I guess? Ok, so I have those “Middle Thoughts” too. And just now realizing how much I think about it and my internal squirrel fights over to which tree contains which.

As an example: sometimes we look at our bookshelves and see all the colors and sizes intermixed, but we might want them by author or genre (or vice-versa depending on your preference). Sometimes, this will spark joy, and you organize it, and everything is good. Other times, you organize it and spend hours doing so; only to realize you had it the way you wanted it before. Both spark joy at different times, yet the outcome is not the same. Imagine second-guessing every decision in this way. That’s basically where my mind has been (and still is) every single decision I make. It for sure plays into my Hidden Acorns monaker. I hid the acorn; sometimes a tree sprouts and new life begins, others something else might hijack the acorn I buried and Im getting lost looking for why it made me happy in the first place.

Thankfully, at this moment, the cleaning aspect is getting me to be introspective. As an example, a bastion of “self-care co-opting as rebellion” was getting my hair to be long. I’ve basically had short hair from zero through 26. Somehow, my mind is ‘better’ knowing that I got my hair cut today. I feel better knowing that I did something at least “outwardly productive” even though I hate the fact that outward appearance means so much in today’s society.

My theory is that it is because we can -choose- the way we want simple things like: our hair, shirt, or shoes; when we actually want them ; rather than a “Job” or “Pressure” mandate. I’ll level, I got fed up with my “long hair rebellion” when it made enjoying soup/ramen/pho/wings less enjoyable. It didn’t matter how I tied my hair back it always ended up in my food. So I scaled back. It’s longer now than it was before, in different styles (and colors) previous. But I had my choice in doing so. That is the comforting part. This small measure of autonomy, self-care, and self-reliance might be the “Spark Joy” for some of us. For this, I am thankful I have reassurance.

My “Circle” sees and understands when I have a new haircut, a new shirt, a different hat, etc; and leaves it at “nice -insert thing here-” knowing that if I made the choice for it to happen, it was my choice and I wanted what it’s end result was. We take our time, we weigh every possible outcome, and then hate ourselves at times because we are not doing the “optimal” outcome.

That is how I am more often than not. I want to have a longer hairstyle; but I hate the fact that I get grief from a traditional family standpoint if it is not short. That takes a bit to get used to. A breaking point gets met, and then “Self care” takes over. Or it doesn’t, and “People Pleasing” does shortly following, self-worth goes down the drain. Sometimes, the choices are skewed towards everyone else and not what I want. There are times, and these are the times I enjoy the most, where my choices are for me. Further, the choice I make at that time is supported by my circle. Thankfully, it’s my closest circle that supports these kinds of decisions, knowing full well how I can be.

I want my decisions to line up better with my perceived “greater good” with at least a 55/45 to mine/greater ratio. It’s a long round-about circle of chaos that ends with a sense of thanks and apology. Not all of my decisions have actually accomplished this goal. To those I’ve not supported, it is not personal. I’m making efforts to figure out my forrests and my acorns. I’m trying to do better, but I’m lost in a fog of which decision is making me the most awry…

Please be patient. Even my favorite activities are suffering because of my own inability to choose.

To you all, Dearest readers:

It’s OK to not be OK.

It’s perfectly fine to not be “Sure”

It’s ENTIRELY UNDERSTANDABLE to need more time for any decision.

I humbly ask that where you make decisions, leave yourself clues in case you need a reference. Because having to remember specific deicisions can hurt just as much as making them in the moment and reliving it when your mind needs to process.

Forever Hunting,

-Lost Acorns
Reprise

January 20th, 2024

I took a significant time off from doing this, thinking I was making myself better. But alas, as with all my acorns that I can’t find; I am lost once again. Re-watching old TV shows and needing the catharsis that is knowing the outcome. Can’t sleep to save my life and can’t figure out what is wrong with me.

I don’t mean this to be a downer or a lost cause post. Just want to be as transparent as I can be. I feel the need to bear the weight of everything on my own shoulders; not accepting help. Not sure why, might just be who I am. I guess it might be a personal complex that i’m not familiar with. Time will tell.

Where there is uncertainty, there is hope. At least how I think of things anyway. I will find a way to keep going and making the right posts that aren’t “old man yells at clouds” updates. Feel free to engage in the comments and I’ll take all things under advisement. I fear I’ve failed more than just myself, so I am going to correct this.

Thank you all, dear readers, seeing this reprise and renewal of this page. I will do better. I must do better. That is all that I can hope to do.

–Let’s keep looking for lost acorns and finding a new abundant forrest. With hope, our misguided lives will help someone else to progress forward with their own.
Time away

April 12th, 2023

It’s been about 2 weeks, almost to the day. In that time I’ve had highs, lows, frustrations and successes. The healing that I’ve tried to do worked to a small extent, but the setbacks I’ve given myself seem to have offset that progress a little bit. I’m glad that I am in my comfy chair, with my happy pup and my cold water. My support system has been great, and even expanded a little bit. I appreciate everyone who’s helped me out and just let me vent. I’m taking my small victories where I can and enjoying the time I have.

Where is my mind lately? It’s everywhere and nowhere all at once. I think of things and my mind races to solutions, to questions and to where I’ll be on the other side of them. I ponder everything to the nth degree and sometimes that does help, other times it may not. I do like the journey of it all though. I’ve found myself in new situations and around some genuinely good people trying to do the best they can for what they want to be. Those examples I have in my life truly do inspire and motivate me. Through conversations and social time my focus on my mental health is renewed; even if it took me several days of poor self control than it should have. Not proud of it; but sometimes it takes some dumb days and nights to shift a perspective.

With that being said, at the time those poor decisions felt like what was needed; as it turns out all that did was mask my own fear for what I had to face head-on. While I’m looking back at it; I couldn’t even face myself. Just felt bad in my mind, didn’t want my mind to think so I let the bottle hide it from myself. Healthy? Nope. Wise? also nope. I need to let myself trust my mind, and my ability to reason through issues, even if it takes a little mental strain to do so. Things are better left earned; and each day is going to be that next step towards earning my way through this struggle. I may never be “out of it” but I’ll be able to say “I am better today than I was yesterday, and I’m above ground so lets keep fighting.”

We are indeed walking on the “right side of the dirt” and we shouldn’t forget that. We can bury our heads in the sand all we want, all that does is let the hard stuff sneak up and scare us. My advice to myself is start facing one thing head on. It might be something as small as getting the dishes done, or replying to an email. Some days it might be taking time to think about one of the bigger issues you or I might have. Biggest thing is trying to face it. I’m off to face my current dilemma of lost acorns but maybe I’ll find a walnut on the way as a change of pace.

-LostAcorns
Day 10 and more

March 28th, 2023
This weekend was incredible. Things I never thought I’d be able to get off my chest I have spoken aloud. I said what needed to be let go of to those I needed to tell. Still more learning and speaking to do, but my heart feels lighter. My mental state is much better. When given an opportunity to do so, I recommend everyone give it a try. In my case, it was not planned, and certainly wasn’t something I thought would come out of the situation I found myself in. But I do think I found one of my acorns.

This is but one of many I wish to find. There are so many things I’ve buried in my past, so many things I need to come to terms with. I am so very thankful for finding at least this one. And for sure, I need to appreciate being heard for what was said. Not judged, just heard, and my feelings acknowledged. I can move forward with a new scope on at least this insight.

I’ve still got the good pup and everything I need within my means. I’m able to slowly phase back into my hobbies. Maybe not quite as long in one shot, but it doesn’t hurt as much. I’m glad I have the support network I do. Couldn’t imagine where I’d be without everyone. For those who think you don’t have a support network, reach out, comment, I’ll happily be a listening ear. There are good things for all of us, sometimes right under our noses. Occasionally, we just need to sniff ’em out.

I’m also thinking about a good several things. One of which is the chaos that is taxes, another is ridiculously vague contracts and business practices. On the contract side, I get it, I should have used the same magnifying glass at the start that I did just a few hours ago. Just a thought that’s on my mind. I guess distilling that down to where my head is (even with the better starting state), I’m thinking about how everything can make emotions change. Despite where we are, what is going well, and things are actually on the way up, we will hyper fixate on the immediate adverse item. I’m entirely guilty of it also.

I’m guilty of the same hyper focus on what upsets me. I make my next immediate thoughts and actions a direct step towards that resolution so I don’t have to think about it anymore. I solve whatever it may be or basically hurt myself trying. It isn’t the healthiest of alternatives, but it does go back to things I’ve said before. Some days, mental issues are apathy. Sometimes, they are fixations. I’ve been on a rubber band of fixations and avoidance, dwelling on what is or isn’t done. I bounce back and forth; wanting a “quick fix” for my needs at the time.

Even now, I don’t know where my mind is. I need to focus on what is in front of me. Or I should say beside me. I am avoiding my own self-doubt and guilt, thinking it will help me. While simultaneously hoping I’ll progress if i can focus on this. Though this is indeed helping get my feelings out, I am realizing that, much like this weekend, some things need to be taken “head-on” and with proper purpose. I’ll do just that.

Quick recap for those needing the tl;dr:
- I did good things for myself this weekend.
- If I get something needed done with my hyper fixations, great. But I’m going to do it in a healthier manner as much as I can going forward.
- Some things can’t be avoided and need a direct approach. But that approach is best served with a calm head and a plan. It is unwise to go into a situation without at least knowing your own thoughts on the issue at hand.
One of many acorns was found. Several potential scent trails are tempting for more. I’ll keep looking. Snacks are replenished for the trip. Let’s keep searching together. Thanks for being here for the ride.

-LostAcorns