Funny, sometimes, how life can make changes you didn’t anticipate. Instead of rolling and making changes in stride, we panic, revert, and turtle up. My apologies, Void (or: Dray, Nest, Scurry, we are still undecided on the name) for not being here the last few days. Though admittedly, that is more an apology to myself. Not only did I let you all down, honestly I’ve also let myself down.

I actively fought the goal of this blog for two days, made myself rethink in the worst ways about my physical and mental effort, and at my efforts toward self identity improvement. And avoided the reminder(s) I set in place to vent those same thoughts with these writings. Once I lost sight of my goal, my plan, and my being, I spiraled a bit. Wanted my “old life” wanted what made me happiest (for the time span) and took off into an unhealthy means of coping. And I’m paying the price.

Lost my focus momentarily and for sure set my physical healing back more than I care to admit. I spent more time either nose deep in a screen or trying to force my body to continue along as though nothing was wrong. In the past 5 days, I have ignored and subsequently self-treated my pain(s) when ignoring wasn’t enough. Things get tough when you can’t use your primary hand for hours at a time (yep. I know, I know.) I write what I do with humor partially to cope, but also to provide my scattered thoughts as a stream of consciousness. Please don’t take this example of unhealthy coping to heart. Rather, let us grow together in this rather vague attempt at healing.

This isn’t meant to be “today is the start of the rest of my life” post, I find them misleading and providing an avenue of increased pressure toward one’s goals. This is to be a “milestone example” of what might work for me today; and by proxy might give one of us a glimmer of hope we didn’t know we had access to.

Honestly, I give myself a false flag every day by saying, “living for others.” Of “living to do the most good” even if I can’t make the same personal changes at the moment. Noble, possibly; martyrdom almost assuredly. But where does that leave my mind and my efforts when my days simply cannot meet that ideal?

Unfortunately for some of us, we then find ourselves hurt on three levels:

• We can’t help others. Therefore, why have we tried?
• We could have helped, but did not, so where is the purpose driven goal?
• Or the final painful realization, what does my lying to myself actually accomplish when I feel bad for even attempting?

In easier formatting for myself on this mobile platform, a quick list for us all:

• We tried to give ourselves hope. We tried to make it not about our own self-pity. We did what people told us day in and day out about what we should or should not care about. But deep down, somewhere in our minds, we have tried to live a life/day/moment we might be happy with. For those of you reading, trying to find insight into the dark depths of mental health, please be mindful of this aspect should we “feel off” around/to you.
• We actively know at times we could help, but something in our minds is an invisible wall we can’t cross. As much as we beat our heads, hands, and legs against the wall, we struggle to do basic things. Those little things add up and make us compare and doubt every effort we make. Sometimes, that looks like not combing our hair. Other times, it might be a hyper fixation on the one thing we can control. A project, a video game, organizing a dresser/closet over and over. We want to do all the things we see as possible. For us struggling, let that be our goal. Let’s do the possible. For those on the other side, please understand we want to try, though it may not outwardly appear that way in the moment.
• This one’s for me. It gives me a reason. It gives me that one shred of visible rope to stop digging my pit deeper and finally look to the surface and climb. That is, when I stop and look up from my feet and my rather large shovel. This blog is a prime example. The “losing the forest in the trees” or whatever that saying is. It may be all we have on the struggle that day. On the days it works, I wouldn’t have it any other way. At least I haven’t hit a sewer main while digging that day.

So where does this leave today’s post? Hopeful, maybe. It’s more likely just a day that, despite it all, leveled me out. This isn’t a “life hack to sanity.” Just a squirrel hoping to find his way back to a good state. Where the little stashes to my happiness and survival can be found again. I’m going to keep looking for my acorns. That I promise. Hopefully, we can all begin to find those same pieces within ourselves.

Until next time, I’ll keep searching. Maybe we upgrade our rations from snacks to a picnic? Depends on the group size, I suppose.

-LostAcorns