It’s been about 2 weeks, almost to the day. In that time I’ve had highs, lows, frustrations and successes. The healing that I’ve tried to do worked to a small extent, but the setbacks I’ve given myself seem to have offset that progress a little bit. I’m glad that I am in my comfy chair, with my happy pup and my cold water. My support system has been great, and even expanded a little bit. I appreciate everyone who’s helped me out and just let me vent. I’m taking my small victories where I can and enjoying the time I have.

Where is my mind lately? It’s everywhere and nowhere all at once. I think of things and my mind races to solutions, to questions and to where I’ll be on the other side of them. I ponder everything to the nth degree and sometimes that does help, other times it may not. I do like the journey of it all though. I’ve found myself in new situations and around some genuinely good people trying to do the best they can for what they want to be. Those examples I have in my life truly do inspire and motivate me. Through conversations and social time my focus on my mental health is renewed; even if it took me several days of poor self control than it should have. Not proud of it; but sometimes it takes some dumb days and nights to shift a perspective.

With that being said, at the time those poor decisions felt like what was needed; as it turns out all that did was mask my own fear for what I had to face head-on. While I’m looking back at it; I couldn’t even face myself. Just felt bad in my mind, didn’t want my mind to think so I let the bottle hide it from myself. Healthy? Nope. Wise? also nope. I need to let myself trust my mind, and my ability to reason through issues, even if it takes a little mental strain to do so. Things are better left earned; and each day is going to be that next step towards earning my way through this struggle. I may never be “out of it” but I’ll be able to say “I am better today than I was yesterday, and I’m above ground so lets keep fighting.”

We are indeed walking on the “right side of the dirt” and we shouldn’t forget that. We can bury our heads in the sand all we want, all that does is let the hard stuff sneak up and scare us. My advice to myself is start facing one thing head on. It might be something as small as getting the dishes done, or replying to an email. Some days it might be taking time to think about one of the bigger issues you or I might have. Biggest thing is trying to face it. I’m off to face my current dilemma of lost acorns but maybe I’ll find a walnut on the way as a change of pace.

-LostAcorns