I’ve been thinking a whole lot more about what keeps me going. The cleaning lady mantra that says “only keep things that ‘Spark Joy’ and remove those that do not” Kondo, I believe her name was. I have been thinking about the mental clean-up I have to do in that sense. This is going to be the hiding of new acorns for this entry.

Where do Good Thoughts begin and Bad Thoughts start overshadowing? What keeps those thoughts mutually exclusive? Why can’t we have both? A “maybe” or “sometimes” thought, I guess? Ok, so I have those “Middle Thoughts” too. And just now realizing how much I think about it and my internal squirrel fights over to which tree contains which.

As an example: sometimes we look at our bookshelves and see all the colors and sizes intermixed, but we might want them by author or genre (or vice-versa depending on your preference). Sometimes, this will spark joy, and you organize it, and everything is good. Other times, you organize it and spend hours doing so; only to realize you had it the way you wanted it before. Both spark joy at different times, yet the outcome is not the same. Imagine second-guessing every decision in this way. That’s basically where my mind has been (and still is) every single decision I make. It for sure plays into my Hidden Acorns monaker. I hid the acorn; sometimes a tree sprouts and new life begins, others something else might hijack the acorn I buried and Im getting lost looking for why it made me happy in the first place.

Thankfully, at this moment, the cleaning aspect is getting me to be introspective. As an example, a bastion of “self-care co-opting as rebellion” was getting my hair to be long. I’ve basically had short hair from zero through 26. Somehow, my mind is ‘better’ knowing that I got my hair cut today. I feel better knowing that I did something at least “outwardly productive” even though I hate the fact that outward appearance means so much in today’s society.

My theory is that it is because we can -choose- the way we want simple things like: our hair, shirt, or shoes; when we actually want them ; rather than a “Job” or “Pressure” mandate. I’ll level, I got fed up with my “long hair rebellion” when it made enjoying soup/ramen/pho/wings less enjoyable. It didn’t matter how I tied my hair back it always ended up in my food. So I scaled back. It’s longer now than it was before, in different styles (and colors) previous. But I had my choice in doing so. That is the comforting part. This small measure of autonomy, self-care, and self-reliance might be the “Spark Joy” for some of us. For this, I am thankful I have reassurance.

My “Circle” sees and understands when I have a new haircut, a new shirt, a different hat, etc; and leaves it at “nice -insert thing here-” knowing that if I made the choice for it to happen, it was my choice and I wanted what it’s end result was. We take our time, we weigh every possible outcome, and then hate ourselves at times because we are not doing the “optimal” outcome.

That is how I am more often than not. I want to have a longer hairstyle; but I hate the fact that I get grief from a traditional family standpoint if it is not short. That takes a bit to get used to. A breaking point gets met, and then “Self care” takes over. Or it doesn’t, and “People Pleasing” does shortly following, self-worth goes down the drain. Sometimes, the choices are skewed towards everyone else and not what I want. There are times, and these are the times I enjoy the most, where my choices are for me. Further, the choice I make at that time is supported by my circle. Thankfully, it’s my closest circle that supports these kinds of decisions, knowing full well how I can be.

I want my decisions to line up better with my perceived “greater good” with at least a 55/45 to mine/greater ratio. It’s a long round-about circle of chaos that ends with a sense of thanks and apology. Not all of my decisions have actually accomplished this goal. To those I’ve not supported, it is not personal. I’m making efforts to figure out my forrests and my acorns. I’m trying to do better, but I’m lost in a fog of which decision is making me the most awry…

Please be patient. Even my favorite activities are suffering because of my own inability to choose.

To you all, Dearest readers:

It’s OK to not be OK.

It’s perfectly fine to not be “Sure”

It’s ENTIRELY UNDERSTANDABLE to need more time for any decision.

I humbly ask that where you make decisions, leave yourself clues in case you need a reference. Because having to remember specific deicisions can hurt just as much as making them in the moment and reliving it when your mind needs to process.

Forever Hunting,

-Lost Acorns