Hidden Acorns

Racing but stationary. I’ve got no energy to physically move, but mentally, I’m 17 places at once. Hearing and thinking of every sight and sound within range. Can’t stop to focus on the tasks at hand. At least there is this attempt. Maybe this mental focus on a small facet of my day can get me through the night. I haven’t been sleeping well lately, eating right or resting as much as I should. But I’m surviving. There is some merit to that I’d hope.

The bills are paid, the dog is snuggled up, and there is food to eat. Survival in modern times. But every step forward seems like only enough for the day. But we will get there. Sadly, there is no “tuning out” without feeling like I’m not doing enough. I’m here, in my own little world, writing my thoughts out finally. That is a thing, a much needed one.

Thanks for reading my small attempt at mental cleansing. There’s not much to say for the day, and the 17 places are calling. I want to shut them off. Maybe I’ll fight them who knows. Squirrels can be viscous, right? Nah, I’m not gonna attack them. Maybe they’ll be friendly for a while and let me sleep.

-LostAcorns

So today is a little different dear void. I’m in pain; but still needing the medium that is the void. This maze, uncertain trail, and the scary forward progress that I’ve set in motion. Yes, this is my method of venting, screaming to the non-responsive (to this point) echo chamber. I’ve told people close to me about what this is, what this means to me. It is a huge weight off my shoulders compared to keeping it a secret. There will be no changes to this blog. Nothing that will change why it exists. This I can promise. What I do want to be known is that this is my ramblings, my way of dealing with what is in my head. If that wasn’t clear to the Dray; it needs to be now. I am but one squirrel in this group; I may be the most vocal, but I am indeed only one of us. This sounds strange but I am elated to have 3 likes on a post for something I never thought people would see.

I am over-joyed that this is actually starting to reach a potentially likeminded populace. Even if only 3. I do not do this for “fame” or “clout” I do this because if my ramblings, my thoughts and ideas actually help ONE person, it makes me feel like I’ve done something. I want people, other individuals struggling with their own thoughts and pain to realize they are not alone. If my poorly written posts are something that may help someone carry on; that is my goal. I am not a professional writer; I am simply another human trying to determine my mental state and hopefully help others. I am afraid, by a large margin, that anyone within my social circle knows this exists. I am afraid that simply writing these out will reach people that are close to me and cause them to change how they treat me. If that actually happens, I will know that there is -a chance- I’ve helped at least one person. If in the round-about way that it becomes known the audience has created the possibility. If it gets that far I’ll be happy. I don’t want to be a martyr, but I do want to be a resource. Should you, dear Void-Member; realize who I am, please be as discrete as you can. If unavoidable I understand I will respond in kind with anonymity.

Tonight’s thoughts and rationalizations are… interesting. I do have medical issues, things that affect the many things that make me happy. Even attempting the typing I am doing now causes pain. I have changed the way I am posting tonight (mobile v laptop). I am contemplating getting a keyboard for when I am not in my “happy chair” and cannot accomplish the self-imposed optimism that others may read. I do not want ANY sympathy for this choice; it is what makes my resolve stronger. I may be in pain, I may want to feel sorry for myself, I may not meet my personal goals for the day. But that is the real-life result of my personal day. There are good days and bad, we ALL will have them. The thing I want to accomplish; and the only thing I want to be paramount is that this is a natural part of life. There will be days everything goes well, there will be days that things go poorly. Today was right on my own borderline. That does not detract from you all, my dearest Void.

This blog is my personal way of venting. I appreciate every single one of you readers tuning in. This echo chamber, this outlet helps me rationalize my thoughts and sanity so I can carry on further. My only request is: if this might be of assistance to someone you know; going through “a thing” that it is shared. I do this even on the “lottery odds” it helps one person.

My ramblings will continue shortly, Public Service Announcement above aside. I know it may read as though I want this to be a “YouTube channel” or some form of personal gain; however, that is not the case. Ideally this helps someone, anyone, other than myself to realize that mental uncertainty isn’t a detrimental life “choice” but simply a card we are dealt.

For the poker players, we have the hand we are dealt; it is on us to play it or not. Stud, Hold-em, draw, we choose our own game. We go into life hoping that we know the odds back and forth. 52 cards in a deck, limited outcomes and probabilities we can benefit from. I don’t claim to be an expert on poker, I wouldn’t dream of it. But I do know that there are “odds” to every outcome of single decisions. Our decisions and choices are made based upon those odds we internalize.

As much pain as I am in writing this post, I realize that in this moment, I can continue to fight on despite my own hurt. For those of us who have “self-harmed” it is the same theory, just less blood. Pardon the pun but yes this is the deep-cut of what this entire blog is and will be about. There are ways of dealing with our problems that do not force “the only things we know” and -might- save someone. I guess I’ll pin “Excerpts from Day 6” to the site and make it the meaning of what this is when I get there. It’s me, it’s my thoughts and potential help, but it’s also every single person who has felt they are not heard, it is the marginalized that wants their voice heard/seen.

Comment, follow, share, do whatever works for what you are comfortable with. Nothing “means less” than any other person’s contributions. Not only my sanity and reality check, but another reader who might not know that there are others simply trying to make sense of what is going on around them. If you are one of those people, PLEASE reach out. This is what should be “ours” in the sense of chosen outlets. There will be no judgement; no unnecessary rebuttals, simply listening to what you might be going through and doing the best I personally can to assist. We are indeed in the same group, dray, scurry, or situation. I am here for us; I am here for you, I am here for your friend/acquaintance/coworker/family-member. Ideally, we all would be.

My personal rambling for the day; as much as we want to fight on, we continue to make the effort. Realize there is a point of diminishing return. There are methods and creating opportunity for growth; spreading the load, sharing the responsibility of outcome (two separate things), and supporting those struggling. Despite all of our personal pains, some folks need the support, some want to do it on their own, some just want a cheering section. It is entirely up to us to learn what that means for the people we want to support. We must know who we are helping and how we do help them. Should we as supporters over-exert, and realize that our efforts are not producing the desired result; we must reassess and evaluate what we are doing as the supporters. There does come a point mathematically where the efforts we exert are not meeting our personal limits. I’m going to leave that to the mathematicians; however, the theory does indeed remain.

I am entirely guilty of doing just that. We must not (again, really bad about it personally) make the problems ours. I was told awhile back that “one cannot support others if they cannot support themselves” and that is reverberating in my mind more than I want to admit. If we as supporters push ourselves to the limits of our own ability; we will be of no assistance to those who need help when required. If we push ourselves to exhaustion without realizing we have, we have failed to take care of ourselves. I may want to do every single chore in the house; I may want to make sure every single issue known to me is handled; but that is not conducive to actually making the mental effort to continue forward in a healthy manner.

There are extenuating circumstances where there is no alternative; these are personal and must be addressed. These are not what I wish to speak on tonight. I am referring to those items we choose to internalize. These are the things we “hear” so to speak; a friend’s partner-relationship, a family member’s friendships, a teammates preference of circumstance. These are the decisions we must create a “mental priority list” for. These will vary by personal relationship; and not one single person can make those choices but ourselves.

As an example, a cousin needs $110, I have $200; but know that I need $100 in a week to pay a bill. Should I give them the $100 because I have it at the time? Should that occur and I do not have that $100 when the bill is due, I’ve then exhausted my resources for self-reliance and created an entirely new issue for my own wellbeing.

This is a very basic example however it creates the theory of the “fuel tank.” We have only so much fuel to expend. A finite amount for an hour/day/week that we as individuals can expend before that tank is dry. Do we borrow from another tank? Do we hope that our reserves (if we can reasonably have said reserves) will be sufficient to maintain our lives? My argument would be: we must find out where our personal limits stand and crate a warning system to allow our own mental process the chance to maintain our own self-worth. We must know our own tank.

I’ll gladly give my own example. A coworker could not figure out an issue; and asked me for assistance knowing I was not tasked with the issue. I can figure out said issue, spend the time and effort; knowing that this detracts from my own tasking. I want to help my coworker, I sincerely do; but if I do my own tasking timeline gets delayed. In theory I can do both; but then cannot make sure I have my own tasks done for the week including the extra effort spent helping my coworker. My tank starts at 100%; the tasks assigned to me will take 75% of the tank; and the assistance asked of me will take 50%; logically it stands to reason I should complete my tasking before assisting right?

That’s not how I am personally “wired” I would spend the effort for my associate and then figure out how to do 75% of my “tank” worth of work with 50% of the tank remaining. It may work out, it entirely may look great for the job. Personally, I know that I could have done better with my own tasking without interruption. Unfortunately, if my own assigned work does not meet standards because of it, that would only reflect poorly on me.

I do not mean that to say we go forward for our own glory; I do not mean by any stretch we do not help our friends/coworkers/teammates. I do mean that we realize where our boundaries lie. Without realizing our own boundaries, we will not be able to maintain our “tank” and therefore cannot continue creating our own opportunities for growth. Let’s all take a bit to reflect upon ourselves and realize our limits. They will change depending on the situation and the person asking for assistance.

This evening was rough for all of us if I’m quite honest. Let us refill our tanks and recoup some energy with sleep. Mental and physical exhaustion are playing a huge factor in my mind tonight; but I needed to get this out of there. I will be creating a poll for what you all would like to be called; right now I am on “Void, Dray, Scurry, Nest” adding it to the to-do-list.

-LostAcorns

Somewhere, the line between physical and mental exhaustion gets very blurry. Today might be that line for me. My physical pain comes and goes, but as it does, my mind gets hazy. I tend to sleep or forget things I did or should be doing. In an effort of transparency, there will be days where nothing seems right. Momma said there’d be days like this. (Wonder how flat that reference is gonna fall).

For what it’s worth, this is still doing wonders for today’s sanity check. A reality check in itself and an affirmation that I am indeed a human with the struggles I find myself dwelling on within these posts. For the day, I made very little progress on what I wanted to do. A little progress is good, better than nothing but the hollow I feel echos throughout.

I will have good days, bad days, “regular” days, and worse days. I would tend to call this a regular day. If you are still on this ride with me, it is appreciated. Call this my speaking to the void. No response is needed, but maybe just maybe there’s another lost soul in this maze just needing to know they are not alone. Being this is a normal day for me, bear with my current ramblings.

Normal thoughts of mine in this sort of day are:

• Did I do enough??
• What didn’t I do?
• I guess I could have done more
• But could I have really?
• Why aren’t I better at being what I could be?
• Let me try tomorrow

I might not have done enough today, and I admit that. But I did do something. So, it’s +1 small victory. I did not do a few other things, so it’s net 0. The next two cancel out. I could indeed have done more; but then I would not have the strength tomorrow. I can freely say I am not better at being “what I could be,” and right now, that’s OK. I need focus, passion, assistance, and patience to grow and develop into what I need to be. I’ll call today a “+.5” with that revelation.

Peer into my list. There might be some overlapping ideas with your own. My body is hurting, and my mind is too. But I will be trying again tomorrow. This I promise myself, and you; the listening void. If only in this echo chamber, let me hear the promise. Try. Again. Tomorrow.

Human, sane(?), living, and hopeful; I will continue to navigate the maze of reality and darkness and find my acorns. Does anyone out there have some bread crumbs for a trail to follow out? Hopefully, we don’t need snacks on the way, I forgot to pack them, and that bread might be tasty.

Thanks as always for getting this far.

-LostAcorns

Quick update for those returning to the nest: the book list is in progress. I am organizing my shelves and will make it a pinned page when it’s ready. Contemplating adding more types of those ideas should there be any interest.

Physically, I think I’ve spent most all I’ve had. Mentally, I feel I should be stronger. But I’m holding true to yesterday’s posting. Small victories, accomplish smaller goals to achieve bigger ones. Cleaned some things, made sure to have fresh clothes for the week, did what I could, and then rested mentally and physically. Next up on the weekend is to keep preparing for the week at hand.

That isn’t to say I’m sulking in the dread of the upcoming week or unhappy with what my Saturday became. It’s to say I’m mentally ok right now. Comfy chair, good pup, glass of water. I’m finding more solace in these late night paragraphs than I have in trying to just ignore my feelings and press on. Thanks, new habits.

Sometimes, it does take a few hours of full rest, entire mental check out, and some ridiculous movie choices. This is one of those times. To those still reading, may you find your own “comfy chair” and the strength to do what you can. Seems to be helping my sanity progress.

Guess I’m borrowing from the self-help section again or realizing I remember more of what I’ve read than I thought. Might be a section to work on, a “these helped me in some way” page. I’ll add it to my to-do list and see if this develops into more. We can call this a Work-In-Progress.

As always, thanks for getting this far.

-LostAcorns

I suppose it’s about that time. Yet again comfy chair, water, good pup. I sit on the verge of two thoughts; did I miss something, or am I enjoying where I am and not realizing it? Unsure of where that train of thought leads I feel stranded with indecision. Or rather, stranded by indecision. The difference being, “with” entails I am making the choice to do nothing, “by” means the choices previously made previously for plans are now null and forcing me to do nothing.

Does one reassess and create new plans or does one allow restful days? If either is better than the other are there caveats to which choice should be made? Health, sanity, pain, pleasure, are any of these allowable? Does reason create opportunity or does reason limit risk?

-Health – rest allows for recovery

-Sanity – rest allows mental stability

-Pain – rest heals physical pain, but can allow the mind to wander into painful thought

-Pleasure – let’s the mind ease itself into stability, if temporary. Yet will often result in lack of rest, and potentially increased physical exertion making physical pain a concern.

(Now I want to learn to juggle, funny that would be; Them: “Why did you learn to juggle?” Me: “I tried to rationalize a decision and the words in the list looked like they should be juggled and I didn’t know how to yet.” Forgive the tangent, needed to make myself smile.)

Now that I’m thinking about juggling, maybe it’s about time to wrap up. Losing my focus on the task at hand, for the moment the priority will be utilizing the time given through happenstance and other canceled plans to prepare for future recovery efforts. That sounds rational and sane to me. Your thoughts may vary, please feel free to discuss and contemplate your own healing.

-LostAcorns

Where does self-help start and sanity management begin? I’ve tried journals, meditation, drinking and therapy. At least one of which I’m sure I’ll do again. I’ve done many things, (few of them exceptionally well, in my own opinion) but I’ve done them. “Know enough to get in trouble” has been my go-to. Might not be enough since I deem to always find myself in trouble. Welcome to the ride, this will be my (hopefully) day to day thoughts and what’s on my mind. Some won’t make sense, some will. But if you’re here already then you might already know me; or relate to my sanity point. Buckle in, thanks for whatever attention-span we both might have.

I find myself at a mental crossroad, on one hand I have what most would be fine with: enough to make my life livable, a good support system, and the internet has apparently; but on the other I have fear, doubt, and hesitancy. So here I am. So where does that leave us dear readers? That I do not know; and I may never know. I want more than ever right now to simply exist, but I am here writing when I should be sleeping, or at least wishing I was.

I am within my “happy-place” as I’ve been told is a good place to be when evaluating one’s self. Got a great pup, a comfy chair, and clean cold water. Why is my motivation to have a silly movie for noise and write about what’s on my mind? My guess is if I keep letting it rattle around in my brain I’ll lose the sanity I have left, if that’s right or wrong we shall soon see.

Back to our newly scheduled programming. I survive, every day. Get through the 24 hours ahead and reassess. Why? Because that’s what I do. I’m trying to have a longer horizon, maybe one from at least 10 feet up compared to 3 inches so to speak. Short horizon makes for easy goal accomplishment. The self help books do say start small with the goals (Might have two or three within arms reach). Let’s call this step one? Maybe this will help someone other than myself, maybe it won’t; either way it seems to be helping me relax a touch.

I suppose let me get to the crux of my current thought and attempt to carry on. I want to be proactive, not reactive. Small step this, but its something. Please feel free to join me on this journey; it’ll be a ride filled with ups, downs, tangents and typos (as much as I can avoid em that is). Thanks for getting this far.

-LostAcorns