Tag: fixation

Contemplating a Week

February 3rd, 2024

Where do I begin. I’ve driven myself to exhaustion, mental chaos, and somehow, a little bit of visibility. Things in life make some strange entry into growth. I’m presented with many options, and I am at a crossroads of what should I do with what comes after.

At this point, I’ve been in and out of exhaustion symptoms for roughly 2-3 weeks. But my mind is running at max capacity and outshining my body’s current capabilities. Example: My body is tired, sleepy, and sluggish. My brain says, “we have a list of 10 things to accomplish. You can quit when you are dead or until we are done.” I keep going, cleaning, thinking, working, organizing, planning. Literally, anything that makes me focus on anything aside from what my body could be telling me or what my mind won’t focus on, but replace. It’s a small dopamine rush of saying, “I got X done, now let’s get Y done so that tomorrow we don’t have to.” So for four+ days, I run at max capacity, maximum effort, and minimal rest.

Then we hit day five, and I think that I’ve done well, but then I am useless for two days. Can’t eat due to nausea; when I can, it’s soups and light meals, so no real calories to speak of, fatigue gets worse. Yet I wonder as I sit here knowing I should be resting and needing to get this off of my mind, so I think and type out my rants on these pages. Hopefully, for someone else to know that they are not alone. In terms of this writing, I’m in “Day 6” of the timeline. Marginally able to eat, still shaky and exhausted. My mind is telling me to keep moving, that idling leads to atrophy. “Don’t let the fatigue win” is all my mind keeps saying.

So here I sit, typing away looking at a mountain of tasks ahead of me almost more terrified of not doing at least a few things than I am of being basically homebound for another day. I am thankful; thankful for my support system, for those that are here with me and those that are around to make sure things are on the up and up even if they know I’m not well. Thank you for the conversations, the time to vent, mental health checks, and empathy.

I buried this particular acorn with a purpose this time. I want to know and remember where this is so I can find the new tree and call it home again. This support system and the fact that I appreciate it. It’s a baby step to pulling down the wall I’ve built up, thereby creating my own mental prison. Small steps, hopefully for a better future. I’m hopeful that I’m one step closer to finding my forest of hidden acorns. Wishing all the best to those also in struggles, may our wanderings cross and join paths towards a better life. Reading this may be the step we all need.

-Lost Acorns
Day 10 and more

March 28th, 2023
This weekend was incredible. Things I never thought I’d be able to get off my chest I have spoken aloud. I said what needed to be let go of to those I needed to tell. Still more learning and speaking to do, but my heart feels lighter. My mental state is much better. When given an opportunity to do so, I recommend everyone give it a try. In my case, it was not planned, and certainly wasn’t something I thought would come out of the situation I found myself in. But I do think I found one of my acorns.

This is but one of many I wish to find. There are so many things I’ve buried in my past, so many things I need to come to terms with. I am so very thankful for finding at least this one. And for sure, I need to appreciate being heard for what was said. Not judged, just heard, and my feelings acknowledged. I can move forward with a new scope on at least this insight.

I’ve still got the good pup and everything I need within my means. I’m able to slowly phase back into my hobbies. Maybe not quite as long in one shot, but it doesn’t hurt as much. I’m glad I have the support network I do. Couldn’t imagine where I’d be without everyone. For those who think you don’t have a support network, reach out, comment, I’ll happily be a listening ear. There are good things for all of us, sometimes right under our noses. Occasionally, we just need to sniff ’em out.

I’m also thinking about a good several things. One of which is the chaos that is taxes, another is ridiculously vague contracts and business practices. On the contract side, I get it, I should have used the same magnifying glass at the start that I did just a few hours ago. Just a thought that’s on my mind. I guess distilling that down to where my head is (even with the better starting state), I’m thinking about how everything can make emotions change. Despite where we are, what is going well, and things are actually on the way up, we will hyper fixate on the immediate adverse item. I’m entirely guilty of it also.

I’m guilty of the same hyper focus on what upsets me. I make my next immediate thoughts and actions a direct step towards that resolution so I don’t have to think about it anymore. I solve whatever it may be or basically hurt myself trying. It isn’t the healthiest of alternatives, but it does go back to things I’ve said before. Some days, mental issues are apathy. Sometimes, they are fixations. I’ve been on a rubber band of fixations and avoidance, dwelling on what is or isn’t done. I bounce back and forth; wanting a “quick fix” for my needs at the time.

Even now, I don’t know where my mind is. I need to focus on what is in front of me. Or I should say beside me. I am avoiding my own self-doubt and guilt, thinking it will help me. While simultaneously hoping I’ll progress if i can focus on this. Though this is indeed helping get my feelings out, I am realizing that, much like this weekend, some things need to be taken “head-on” and with proper purpose. I’ll do just that.

Quick recap for those needing the tl;dr:
- I did good things for myself this weekend.
- If I get something needed done with my hyper fixations, great. But I’m going to do it in a healthier manner as much as I can going forward.
- Some things can’t be avoided and need a direct approach. But that approach is best served with a calm head and a plan. It is unwise to go into a situation without at least knowing your own thoughts on the issue at hand.
One of many acorns was found. Several potential scent trails are tempting for more. I’ll keep looking. Snacks are replenished for the trip. Let’s keep searching together. Thanks for being here for the ride.

-LostAcorns

Tag: fixation

Contemplating a Week

Day 10 and more