I will start off with an apology. More to myself than anyone else; but I consider myself a reader of this rather than a writer. I’m sorry for the lack of updates, lack of responses, and overall lack of attention. Again, mostly me.
I treat this as my “scream into the void” blog, but my dedicated readers know this already. I write in such a way as to trick myself to write more. I digress. New folks, welcome in; continued readers thank you for your views.
Let’s get to the meat of today (or, in this case, nearly 2 months), shall we? In the past few weeks (months), I’ve ridden highs and lows, uncertanty and distrust (of both my emotions and the acts of others), and sadly much physical pain. What I know to expect generally doesn’t bother me. The chronic pain eventually falls to the wayside, and I learn to deal. Yes, I mean this both mental and physical “chronic pain” descriptors.
I’d describe myself as “structurally broken” in a sense that if I feel “good,” I assume something is wrong. I’ll gladly continue to run despite my physical pain because it means I’m alive and still moving forward. I tend to work on things held together with bubble-gum and a prayer, and I can’t help but believe that is how I treat my own body. At least in my personal life review, it is.
At least to keep my current thoughts flowing, my body hurt. Head, arms, hands, legs, core. All of it hurt; but yet I carried(y) on. I entirely decide that my pain does not mean anything, just the end goal. That’s how I’ve coped for the better part of 2 decades. Goal based results, beginning middle, neither matter, only the end result. I reach the places I want to get to. Despite the physical toll. I don’t know if I trick myself into believing I can survive, I am trying subconsciously to tell myself I’m worth saving or if it’s legitimate self-preservation.
I’m so tired of constant physical pain. I’m so very tired of it. This has dulled and become managable, though always in the back of my mind. Waiting for the next bit of time where something decides it wants to hurt. I suppose we just keep on trying. I’m stretching more, trying to be semi more active, and making effots to potentially get sleep. All in an effort for a better life.
Sorry for the hard-cut; amongst all this body uncertainty, I’ve managed to land myself at a crossroads that I am hoping I made the right choices with. This could be the best thing to happen to me professionally. I will see what becomes of this chance when I am fully “in the thick” of that. Here’s hoping this change is in line with my optimism (in this case, it’s not sarcastic; scary, I know). I guess that’s a bit of progress when I have a hopeful outlook. Might have started to find my forrest again, despite being lost in my own head. If this mood continues I’ll be back on my good schedule to keep writing thoughts here. Gotta say it feels good to be typing away on something that is a personal project once again.
Here goes nothing, a new adventure. With new trees, bushes, fauna, and personal outlook. I’m never going to forget my roots. I just might not remember where I put the momentos along the way to call me back home. To new challenges. To new ideas. To new acorns. Geronimo.
-LostAcorns
Hidden Acorns 